I don't Give a Fuck. I do not. I promise.
My motto, believe it or not. I don't swear by it, like the way people swear by the bible, but it works. It works for me.
That's pretty much my attitude summed up in a 5 word sentence. Want me to repeat it?
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
The general idea you might get from this intro is that this post is gonna be a bitter, hateful filled post. I assure its not; a little anger filled, yes. But bitter and hateful no.
I run myself day by day. I don't make plans to far in the future and I don't worry about the future. My parents think differently. They 'encourage' me to plan ahead and to make an effort now for my future. Whats the fucking point? Seriously? I tell them I'll do it, but I never do. Would be kind of a stupid reason if I said its my nature. But my behaviour is not definitive. No ones is. So why do I go along with the Apathetic Bastard role?
I do not know. It works for me as I said before. Maybe its because I'm afraid to Commit or Stick to anything. Aren't you afraid too? Of getting Hurt by someone in your life, or something that's happening around you? I am. And you know what? Its human. I'm proving to myself that I'm human. This role I'm playing is just a way of defending myself from the outside and its Pervertedness. I mainly blame this on my parents but we all need someone to vent on Right? Right? I hope so, otherwise they have managed to fuck me up.
So if you think theres nothing more than an apathetic SOB. Your wrong. There is alot beneath, but working your way down there is gonna take effort.
Joddy
Weezer is back on.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Inhibiting Inhibitions.
Ive been listening to This Flyleaf song for a long time; Missing.
What is Missing? Lacey Mosley seems to know. She does, doesn't she?
Guess not.
Was just chatting with my classmate and we were discussing certain things. She recited this: "you always end up writing the best shit when you don't have to stop and think about what your gonna say next"
Kind of made me ponder about how things in my life, not to far in the past used to run. Everything worked subconciously. I mean, life is so much easier that way. No focusing and over thinking. Everything comes naturally.
These days I have to think a hundred times before I can perform a task (Impactful Tasks). Its Annoying. I tend to fuck up more this way as I do not consciously know whats best for me. One of my friends told me its a sign of maturity. He said; you think alot before doing something of importance because your brain wants to be aware of every possibility. Hes possibly right, in general, but I seem to be failing when it comes to pre-thinking. I tend to make Crappier decisions. Maybe with more experience I shall be able to develop this talent of not 'Fucking up'.
All that's left is that I lose my Inhibitions. Oh boy.
Ive been blogging alot. I have no idea why. Nothing interesting going on around me at the moment and my life seems very average. My normal blog pattern is to blog when there is an anomaly. Sign of good things to come? I hope so.
Joddy
What is Missing? Lacey Mosley seems to know. She does, doesn't she?
Guess not.
Was just chatting with my classmate and we were discussing certain things. She recited this: "you always end up writing the best shit when you don't have to stop and think about what your gonna say next"
Kind of made me ponder about how things in my life, not to far in the past used to run. Everything worked subconciously. I mean, life is so much easier that way. No focusing and over thinking. Everything comes naturally.
These days I have to think a hundred times before I can perform a task (Impactful Tasks). Its Annoying. I tend to fuck up more this way as I do not consciously know whats best for me. One of my friends told me its a sign of maturity. He said; you think alot before doing something of importance because your brain wants to be aware of every possibility. Hes possibly right, in general, but I seem to be failing when it comes to pre-thinking. I tend to make Crappier decisions. Maybe with more experience I shall be able to develop this talent of not 'Fucking up'.
All that's left is that I lose my Inhibitions. Oh boy.
Ive been blogging alot. I have no idea why. Nothing interesting going on around me at the moment and my life seems very average. My normal blog pattern is to blog when there is an anomaly. Sign of good things to come? I hope so.
Joddy
Monday, April 26, 2010
Made.
I was Watching Made On Mtv today. Kinda funny how normal people become what the fuck they want to. Made me laugh. Really wasn't what I anticipated but as I watched today's episode my confidence started to build up.
Fucking MTV.
The fact that I now feel confident is cool but also a bitch at the same time. On one hand I feel like I can do whatever I want, but this compelling feeling also challenges me. And for those who know me, I'm a lazy bastard. Unless I'm sure its worth it, fuck effort. Not an ounce will I invest unless its worth my time. So yeah, challenges take time. Fuck that. Why bother is what I would say, Normally. But once you succeed there is this fucking overwhelming feeling of satisfaction. That is a good feeling; I must admit, one of the best.
As my previous posts have talked about how Ive been lacking in the 'Players' department. My initial conclusion was I'm maturing and i will have to think about every move i make before i make it, unlike before when it came with instinct. But now I realise all I need is a little confidence boost. Yes, It still has alot to do with maturity. Its like my brain does that so I dont fuck up Unknowingly. Self Preservation among my peers, friends and potential partners is what I would call it. A little rejection might humble me as well...
Just Saying, It might....
Any who, Time to Get Some Pussy yo.
Joddy
Lost prophets making a come back in my music library.... :D
Fucking MTV.
The fact that I now feel confident is cool but also a bitch at the same time. On one hand I feel like I can do whatever I want, but this compelling feeling also challenges me. And for those who know me, I'm a lazy bastard. Unless I'm sure its worth it, fuck effort. Not an ounce will I invest unless its worth my time. So yeah, challenges take time. Fuck that. Why bother is what I would say, Normally. But once you succeed there is this fucking overwhelming feeling of satisfaction. That is a good feeling; I must admit, one of the best.
As my previous posts have talked about how Ive been lacking in the 'Players' department. My initial conclusion was I'm maturing and i will have to think about every move i make before i make it, unlike before when it came with instinct. But now I realise all I need is a little confidence boost. Yes, It still has alot to do with maturity. Its like my brain does that so I dont fuck up Unknowingly. Self Preservation among my peers, friends and potential partners is what I would call it. A little rejection might humble me as well...
Just Saying, It might....
Any who, Time to Get Some Pussy yo.
Joddy
Lost prophets making a come back in my music library.... :D
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Emotionless Prick
Nyah. New word to honest.
I just got home.Chilling with My good Friends all through this weekend. Been a fun weekend after a few dramatic, Boring And plain out Dead Weekends. Back to real life I guess.
I've been listening to a lot of Electronic music of lately. I love it. But its time for a change, an overall change. I Select Emotionless Prick; The old me. It works just fine. But getting back there is gonna be a fucking challenge. I'm losing My essence.
"For a wise dude, you're pretty stupid"
Bam! In my face, Made me Laugh alot. but it is true; stupid mistakes and no pre-thought to expressing emotions Is me right now. I'm getting annoyed, by the girl I like. Wtf Right? I guess its cause i expect more and its not going the way i want it. Stupid Mistake exploring this route i guess.
Back To Emotionless Prick it is, With a sort of smile....
Joddy
Tag it up Bitches!
I just got home.Chilling with My good Friends all through this weekend. Been a fun weekend after a few dramatic, Boring And plain out Dead Weekends. Back to real life I guess.
I've been listening to a lot of Electronic music of lately. I love it. But its time for a change, an overall change. I Select Emotionless Prick; The old me. It works just fine. But getting back there is gonna be a fucking challenge. I'm losing My essence.
"For a wise dude, you're pretty stupid"
Bam! In my face, Made me Laugh alot. but it is true; stupid mistakes and no pre-thought to expressing emotions Is me right now. I'm getting annoyed, by the girl I like. Wtf Right? I guess its cause i expect more and its not going the way i want it. Stupid Mistake exploring this route i guess.
Back To Emotionless Prick it is, With a sort of smile....
Joddy
Tag it up Bitches!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Not Exactly.
I was just out on my balcony, Smoking up, And I started to think, Alot.
I went over the past events of this year and last year. I have met amazing people and had amazing times, But that emptiness feeling is bubbling up again. Deja Vu.
Not the best feeling ever.
BUT!
A sense of rejuvenation has overcome me. If you have read my previous posts, you would understand what I've been going on about. My Emotionless period and what not. I feel it all coming back, and thats the reason for all of this. I'm feeling human again. Not the best feeling as I said, But a refreshing one.
I'm Confused.
As I thought before, my lack of emotion stunted my ability to feel for others the way I should. And as its all coming back I feel confusion. I'm developing feelings, for certain people and as instinct comes in, I am trying to counteract these feelings. I don't want to. I want them to surface but going through my mind is a big "What if?" and that sends shivers through me. I really don't want to go through the hurt Ive been through before. Its scary. Its all back, im feeling like an adolescent boy again. A crush it may be, but am I ready? I really have no idea.
Oh boy. I hope I figure it out, or here comes another fucked up life stage.
Joddy
My classmate came upto me today and told me that he had read the blog. He said; with a smile, that he had totally changed his opinion of me. I felt a little joy. It feels good.
I went over the past events of this year and last year. I have met amazing people and had amazing times, But that emptiness feeling is bubbling up again. Deja Vu.
Not the best feeling ever.
BUT!
A sense of rejuvenation has overcome me. If you have read my previous posts, you would understand what I've been going on about. My Emotionless period and what not. I feel it all coming back, and thats the reason for all of this. I'm feeling human again. Not the best feeling as I said, But a refreshing one.
I'm Confused.
As I thought before, my lack of emotion stunted my ability to feel for others the way I should. And as its all coming back I feel confusion. I'm developing feelings, for certain people and as instinct comes in, I am trying to counteract these feelings. I don't want to. I want them to surface but going through my mind is a big "What if?" and that sends shivers through me. I really don't want to go through the hurt Ive been through before. Its scary. Its all back, im feeling like an adolescent boy again. A crush it may be, but am I ready? I really have no idea.
Oh boy. I hope I figure it out, or here comes another fucked up life stage.
Joddy
My classmate came upto me today and told me that he had read the blog. He said; with a smile, that he had totally changed his opinion of me. I felt a little joy. It feels good.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
From The Sub; Beneath The Concious.
I Really Have No idea if I'm repeating anything, but I feel that I am. I'm maturing and Its turning out to be a bitch. Things I would not pay attention to before, are now Clawing at my conscious self, whereas before they were items of sub-conscious Furniture in my head.
Of recent; even the smallest decisions I have re-thought over and over. Is it cause the actions i may perform would cause me shame? or is it just cause I'm loosing my 'balls'?
It's been In my mind for a long time now and I SERIOUSLY, have no fucking clue to what the answer may be. Whats happening? I really wish I knew. Its like life difficulty has stepped up a notch. Fuck me as it was bad enough before, but now its just a Motherfucking Bitch.
Stepping up my 'I don't give a shit; I can mentally Overtake all this shit' Game is probably a good idea. But there is a limit before I overstress my mind and end up emotionally and mentally breaking down. Ive done this for a while and if you have read my previous posts you will see how I have contained my emotions.
Maybe its time to try another approach at maturity and all its Friends, Or maybe not.
Joddy
Another epic and Sad weekend; Y.E.C and Prasan leaving.
(Dub step all the way)
Of recent; even the smallest decisions I have re-thought over and over. Is it cause the actions i may perform would cause me shame? or is it just cause I'm loosing my 'balls'?
It's been In my mind for a long time now and I SERIOUSLY, have no fucking clue to what the answer may be. Whats happening? I really wish I knew. Its like life difficulty has stepped up a notch. Fuck me as it was bad enough before, but now its just a Motherfucking Bitch.
Stepping up my 'I don't give a shit; I can mentally Overtake all this shit' Game is probably a good idea. But there is a limit before I overstress my mind and end up emotionally and mentally breaking down. Ive done this for a while and if you have read my previous posts you will see how I have contained my emotions.
Maybe its time to try another approach at maturity and all its Friends, Or maybe not.
Joddy
Another epic and Sad weekend; Y.E.C and Prasan leaving.
(Dub step all the way)
Departure Passionné
I Haven't written in 3 Months. What the hell right?
Oh Well.
Just got back from an amazing night at the bar. One of My Uber close friends is leaving; My Bro, My Big Bro to be precise. I got Some time to reflect on myself later, after the bar as i was walking home alone. I realised i have a lot of friends, But! how many truly know me for who I am. Definitely they like me or whatever for who I am, But which one's really know me?
That question resonated in my mind the short walk home, and as I thought to myself only a hand few do. These are the people I need to keep close, But as I backtrack I loose track. The rest are just Acquaintances, mere contacts. I really owe it to my Bros for setting me straight and giving me a mirror to look at when i act like a jackass. It helps me watch me from a third person view. They are definitely the ones i can depend on for anything.
In relation, i also pondered, Which can i trust and pour out my real feelings too? The answer again: None. A depressing one as 18 years on this earth have led to nothing under my belt other than a good personality and a few talents.
On that note, If there is someone out there who thinks they suit the job position, Do apply and I shit you not, My emotions will not disappoint You.
Joddy
Great night, Shout Out to Ashfan and Prasan. Have a safe trip machang and i ll see you in December.
(Written While the stereo was playing Deadmau5)
Oh Well.
Just got back from an amazing night at the bar. One of My Uber close friends is leaving; My Bro, My Big Bro to be precise. I got Some time to reflect on myself later, after the bar as i was walking home alone. I realised i have a lot of friends, But! how many truly know me for who I am. Definitely they like me or whatever for who I am, But which one's really know me?
That question resonated in my mind the short walk home, and as I thought to myself only a hand few do. These are the people I need to keep close, But as I backtrack I loose track. The rest are just Acquaintances, mere contacts. I really owe it to my Bros for setting me straight and giving me a mirror to look at when i act like a jackass. It helps me watch me from a third person view. They are definitely the ones i can depend on for anything.
In relation, i also pondered, Which can i trust and pour out my real feelings too? The answer again: None. A depressing one as 18 years on this earth have led to nothing under my belt other than a good personality and a few talents.
On that note, If there is someone out there who thinks they suit the job position, Do apply and I shit you not, My emotions will not disappoint You.
Joddy
Great night, Shout Out to Ashfan and Prasan. Have a safe trip machang and i ll see you in December.
(Written While the stereo was playing Deadmau5)
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